Do you know I am not sure how long this has been coming but I have decided today that I am just far too contrary… nothing suits me… nothing at all.
Its too hot or too cold
Too light or too dark
I’m too tired or can’t sleep
The smell in the kitchen too rancid or too flowery
The kids are too loud or too quiet
I am too hungry or too stuffed
Too busy or not got enough to do – I am either in and out of the car driving all over the place or don’t go out for days (well in reality this rarely happens even in the holidays… but I guess not quiet enough or busy enough… I can’t explain but i know what I mean – just not settled I guess is a better way of putting it).
And I am craving BALANCE, yearning, pleading, longing for some balance – whatever that is – if it could even exist in my life – some constant but lazy routine and not school runs and madly haring around the county to this club and that school and the other homework and supermarkets and on and on and on…
Maybe I need to focus on a holiday next year where we can’t drive anywhere – can’t shop or use phones or internets… just read, knit, sew, draw, play games, go on walks don’t even need to talk to people just be just be us or just be me… just chill and find myself -maybe I need to do this and the others don’t? Maybe I need to just go away and find myself – focus – realign and come back to be super mum.
At the moment I feel lost in the world of none stop… this always needing, wanting, always something to think about – a bill to pay, a car to tax, something that needs fixing or sorting – no matter how big or small – a dog to let in our out, a child to answer or explain something too, an email to answer or a text to reply to, a noise that sends your senses soaring and you feel every muscle, every fibre of of your body go taut till you feel like you are going to explode almost like a ball of elastic bands everyone stretched taut then going ping ping ping as they can bare the strain no longer.